| I see you, you see me. |
[11 Mar 2008|05:32pm] |
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music |
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after the glitter fades - fleetwood mac |
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so. want to know something i love? i fucking love the genetic blessing that is the creeping depression that i'm never sure how to deal with. you wana know what else? everything is perfect. i know it. but i'm going to find a way to sabotage myself anyway. i've watched my mother do it and i can see myself doing it. you know what i want? i want to love unconditionally without the point where my mind just goes to, lets find something wrong with this. let me think that i'm being to needy, i'm being too loud, i'm making to many stupid jokes. i know this is no one else's fault. and you wana know the last thing i love? i love that i'm aware of it. i love that i do what i can to make it stop, but sometimes it still gets the better of me. i just CANNOT turn into what i could become. nothing terrifys me more.
thanks livejournal.
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| I just needed a place to get this out... |
[22 Aug 2007|11:46pm] |
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I'm almost positive no one reads this anymore, and i needed a place to just get this fucking off my chest. it's just one of those things that eats at me. i'm optimistic, but god fucking dammit is all i can think. i mean, i should really be more articulate than that, so i guess what i'm thinking is a mix of fuck you, and i messed up, and it's your fault, and your a liar, and in spite of fucking everything i still fucking miss you. fuck fuck fuck. the rational part of me knows that it is not my fault, i didn't, and couldn't, ever do anything like what you did, and then i most definately could not lie about it. you're a child, and i want to be the one for you, i want to be the one to help you, but you will never let me in, never open up. i have never been more hurt by anyone in my entire life, and i can forget, but i shouldn't forgive because no one has ever said more hurtful things to me after i've done so much for them. and you could have taken an honorable way out, however i knew from the beginning that it would end like this. really, if it started that way, it was only fitting that you would end it that way. karma is a fucking bitch, but then again, so are you. i hope you find your way, i hope you realize your mistake, and i hope you miss me. yeah, i still fucking think about you, but i know i deserve better because i am not what you said i am. and i will never get the apology that i want so that i don't feel this giant fucking gash all the time, but i know that you were just striking blindly so that you could get the blame and the guilt off of your head. you're faultless, you're perfect, and you don't care who you have to take down to remain that way. just remember, i wanted the best for you, i actually cared for you, i would and did do anything for you...i just wish you could come out of whatever hurt and lies you have wrapped yourself in to realize that you missed the best thing you had going. i was devoted...but if you want to bounce around from bed to bed looking for love, i'm not going to stop you. i'm done. done. fucking done. and while i think of you less and less, sometimes that feeling is so strong, i just needed to get this off my chest, more for myself than anyone else's own good. because if you taught me anything, it was to keep my heart to myself. because i gave it to you completely, and look where that got me. fuck. fuck. fuck. fuck. fuckin fuck fuck. ugh....
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[20 Feb 2007|06:04pm] |
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oh livejournal......you used to be cool and consume my time. alas.
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[31 May 2005|11:33pm] |
i know it's stupid, but sometimes i wish i were populer....lar.
but seriously.
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| something very weird to me, but not bad.... |
[27 May 2005|11:25am] |
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mood |
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 contemplative |
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music |
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the monkey song -- reefer madness |
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i just came to a crazy relization....
i really miss some of my friends. well, not some, just one in particular right now. it's been an ungodly amount of time since we've talked and an even greater amount of time since we've talked like friends.
i was just reading something she wrote to me a while ago....so many jokes i had forgotten and so many things that just made me laugh despite myself.
the fight we had was a stupid one...we were both at fault....she forgot me and i over-reacted...and even tho we've "forgiven" eachother, it's never been like it was. i should try and hang with her when i go back to lakeland or something. i wonder if it would be weird?
and it's so odd how much alike my three best friends from the three periods of my life are so much alike but so different. and i love all of them, despite how the first two may have turned out in the end.
so to L.B. -- you were my frist real friend, from the time we were in pre-school up until 4th grade...thank you. you're a crazy bitch now, and we could never be friends again, but for the time we were, thanks.
M.S. -- I really do wish we coulda stayed friends like we were for longer...but things change, and god knows i have the HARDEST time accepting that, but maybe i'm starting to, or maybe not. but thanks for all the nights where we did nothing, sitting on u'r trampoline, watching SNL and RHPS, and being at the beach, and how i made you drink strawberry daquiris and just being there for me. and have you forgiven me yet for the fake lotto ticket? ;-) we were so different...weird that we were friends.
K.F. -- you win. you know how much i love you, ya big fat fatty. Like they say, third times a charm, and it's true. you are by far the best friend i've ever had, and we really haven't known eachother that long. odd. but just because of the last 2 people, try and understand why i am the way i am about my friends. and i'm glad that we actually do the things that we say we're gonna do. just thank you. i don't even know what to say. you know what i'm getting at right? you have to, you can't not. cuz you're a goo-frien.
to my other wonderful good girl friends...there are 2.
L.J. -- where are you? you moved to texarkana and i can't find you. please come back. man...you woulda graduated this year...i'll never find you. that's so sad.
M.L. -- haha. the one thing i need to say...thanks for putting up with all the mexican jokes. i love you, u'r so laid back...just avoid old ladies with yappy-type dogs, and please come see me!
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[26 May 2005|05:13pm] |
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i can't help but feel like i messed up.
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| boredom |
[25 May 2005|08:36pm] |
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mood |
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 amused and scarcastic |
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music |
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scream -- whacko jacko |
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FIRST...
First job: secret agent
First screen name: yourmomsmom@jabuki.com
First self purchased CD: a dime bag
First funeral: my turtle in the 3rd grade
First true love: barry manilow
First big trip: EUROPA!
First musician you remember hearing in your house: The King.
LAST...
Last big car ride: INTO A HUMMER!
Last kiss: tu madre.
Last library book checked out: kama sutra.
Last movie seen: amityville horror
Last beverage drank: strawberry daquiri
Last food consumed: ICE CREAM!
Last phone call: i think it was cody and i missed it.
Last CD played: REEFER MADNESS!
Last annoyance: the herpeseseses.
Last soda drank: COKE!
Last ice cream eaten: vanilla cookie!
Last time scolded: when i smacked krystle in the boob in that store.
Last website visited: this one obviously!
I...
I am... bigger than an ant.
I want... you in my bedroom.
I have... everything you don't.
I wish... i could lift a car over my head with one finger.
I hate... diarreha in my bed.
I fear... the north american grizzly.
I hear... voices. lots and lots of voices.
I search... using google.
I wonder... where i left my pants.
i doubt... you know my second cousin twice removed.
I regret... giving you my phone number.
I love... lamp.
I ache... when it's going to rain.
I always... like 18 tacos and their stories!
I am not... poopshead mckinsley nor lt. larry p. knickerbocker
I dance... in the tech room.
I sing... romeo AND juliet
I cry... cry baby.
I am not always... going to give you tree-fiddy.
I write... bad angsty emo songs for i-neen.
I confuse... anastasia beaverhousen.
I need... to get in line.
YES or NO...
Do you keep a diary: well...i keep yours.
Do you like to cook: grilled cheese
Have you a secret you haven't shared with anyone else: don't think so. maybe. yes. no. i'm scared of bears.
DO YOU...
Have a girlfriend: wouldn't you like to know.
Have a boyfriend: wouldn't you like to know.
Want to get married: wouldn't you like to know.
Get along with your parents: wouldn't you like to know.
Like thunderstorms: wouldn't you like to...oh wait. yes.
FAVORITE...
Number: 12 or 90 billion
Color: the color of kittens and babies and joy on a bright summer day.
Day: maynember 16th
Month: octember
Season: of love.
Drink: ones that get me stories about drunkies.
IN THE LAST 24 HOURS, HAVE YOU...
Cried? no
Helped someone? OUT OF THEIR MISERY!
Bought something? a soul. on the black market.
Gone to the movies? HOLLA FOR XTC ADULT VIDEO CENTER!
Gone out to eat? haha, that's a little personal...wether or not i hire hookers is my business alone
Written a love letter? to myself.
Talked to an ex? but of course not.
Missed an ex? not a chance
Had a serious talk? at this very millisecond in time!
Missed someone? YESSSSSSSSSSS!!!!!!!
Hugged someone? prolly.
WOULD YOU EVER...
Eat a bug? for a dollar.
Bungee jump? for 13 dollars.
Kill someone? you fool!
Parachute from a plane? i did. back in 'nam.
Walk on hot coals? that had finished cooling.
Go out with someone for their looks? you act like i don't anywayz.
Be a vegetarian? KATCHEM AND KILLEM! ...grill them veggies good...
IM a stranger? ALL THE TIME!
Sing Karaoke? GET OFF LIKE A PORN STAR, DON'T STOP TILL YOU GET IT UP!
Dye your hair blue? been there done that.
Wear makeup in public? what the hells? yes/
Make someone cry? hee hee (you mother fucking loser in life you bastard that no one loves...) i owuld never.
Date someone more than 10 years older than you? i'm not 18 yet.
Stay up all night? AND ROCK IT TILL THE BREAK OF DAWN!
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| well i guess that's why they invented shakespeare.... |
[21 May 2005|03:52pm] |
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mood |
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 confused |
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music |
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romeo and juliet -- reefer madness |
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michele graduated.
bethany graduated.
jonathan graduated.
santana graduated.
kasey graduated.
my cousin graduated.
a bunch of other people i heart graduated.
i'm gonna miss some things.
i feel so bad. like uber bi-polar. and i know the reason and i know how stupid and i wish i would back off of it, cuz i'm not actually bothered by it at all. i'm not even threatened. it's just that everytime this happens i manage to lose a friend. maybe it's me. i hope not.
i just feel so easily forgotten sometimes, and i feel like i'm lacking things to give now. lacking things to keep us alive and awake and not bored and having fun. i just am so bothered by the thought of boring people.
i just need love.
i had fun last night though. me and krystle watched r.m. and i finally got the cd to it. holla! then she died :-( i tried to save her tho, and i think i did. and then i watched dangerous minds. and we eated breffass at village inn...and my breffass was ginormous.
i said GODDAMMMMM! GODDAMN! ....goddamn...
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| the kukamungas want to kill him cuz he's going to eat their leader |
[15 May 2005|07:55pm] |
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mood |
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 satisfied |
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music |
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the truth explaodes -- page and plant |
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prom was last night and it was quite fun cuz we didn't saty to long. showed up fashionably late and left fashionably early. drew barrymore was the best prom date ever. we hippie-raved. :-)
and then i came home (well...my kinda home) and slept and i got beat-ed into sleep sumbmission.
and then we did projects. and i painted. and made paris-hilton-art-with-a-lil-side-of-jerry-springer. oh yes.
and now i'm home.
finally...a good weekend....finally.
only 2 things coulda made it better, but one of them is on the way, cuz i ordred my tickets.
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[10 May 2005|07:53pm] |
close to over all my wierdness, i swear. would've been over before but i just realized i was pms-ing. noyce.
thank you for putting up with my bull-shit everyone.
and thank hers especially :-)
i tried to do my project today, but it didn't work cuz i became bored with it, cuz i really don't wanna do it in the first place, but i got some stuff done...it looks ok. krystle is a fairy! AN ANGRY FAIRY! AN EMO ANGRY FAIRY!
and michele, sry i haven't called, i was sick when i was in lakeland and stuff has been crazy with skool ending!
peace bitches.
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[26 Apr 2005|04:32pm] |
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mood |
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 thankful |
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music |
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popular -- wicked (haven't listened to this in forever!) |
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uhm. car's totaled. never getting it back. :-(
coming to lakeland sat. :-)
krystle is my b.f.f. ever and she is awesome cuz she brought me coffee. :-)
(don't worry fatty, u'll hear it about 90 more times cuz IM being a good person too and playing into u'r ego...u vain fatty you ;-P)
starting the joplin project. :-)
midsummer night's dream on fri. :-)
only one sad face. not bad. i'm trying to keep that outlook. :-)
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| evil must be baked at 650 degrees... |
[17 Apr 2005|06:56pm] |
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mood |
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 rhesus monkey on crack drip |
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music |
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special k -- placebo |
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hardest week of my life. the whole car thing caused me alot of stress, and thusly i am poor and carless once again. but....no biggie because i bounce back with the vitality of a rhesus monkey on crack drip...so i'm back in for the rounds again children...sorry i was so freakin crazy last week! it wasn't toward any1 else that i was crazy tho, it was weird, it was all me just breaking down at weird points. but i'm done with that. whatevuh whatevuh! ;-)
and something i feel i need 2 write cuz it amuses me to no end....
"but before the curtain falls, let me leave you with one question --- ponder it as the events unfold, then riddle me this:
if one day, mother teresa wea out weed whacking and accidentally chopped off hitler's head --- WOULD THAT NECESSARILY BE SUCH A BAD THING?
i mean...if a person commits a crime, and no one cares --- can we all just adjust our lip liner?
look, i'm just being honest here. i think that the whole point of my story is that nobody ever implicated dorothy in the double witch homocides of oz because, well....you know...she's judy garland, for god's sake, and loius b. mayer forced her into a life of drugs at such a young age, poor thing...
just remember that as we...fast foward to...the aftermath"
it may not make sense on the surface...but read it a few times and it'll all dawn on you...it has a core meaning....but maybe you have 2 be on K to understand it all...whatever, it's a risk i'm willing to take! :-)
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| get back to where you once belonged....get back jojo! go home! |
[14 Apr 2005|07:27pm] |
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mood |
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dancy |
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music |
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get back -- the beatles |
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hey lakeland people...was gonna come down again sometime cuz my mom started letting me drive 2 lakeland...then i got hit by a hummer, no big. but i won't be seein u guyz for a while. whatevuh whaevuh! it just makes u guyz drag u'r lazy asses up nyah! ;-P
uhm...otherwise. stuff. that's about it....nothing exciting 2 report...'cept music man is about 2 open...every1 should go see it...i SM, i rock. ;-) vain vain vainy vain vain. :-P
and. every1 give me $10. for a new car. cuz i said so.
REEEEEEEEEEEEFER MADNESS!!! HOLLA BACK!
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| INFORMAL POLL TIME! |
[06 Apr 2005|08:24pm] |
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what color is jenna going 2 dye her hair? suggestions? tell me
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[06 Apr 2005|08:15pm] |
sigh. i hate this feeling...but eh? whatcha gonna do? nothin i suppose.
well well well welly well well....i have an overwhelming urge 2 call my bff from way back in the day...maybe i'll do that sometime. whatever. random thought.
yay prom. hurry up. i hope it's fun!
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[04 Apr 2005|07:33pm] |
oh my lord. make me vomit. you are the biggest emo bitch ever. seriously. shut the fuck up.
on another note, yay prom on sat!
and on yet another note....WEASLE WEASLE!
and yet another one....who wants 2 do my joplin project? i think you do!
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| MICHELE MICHELE MICHELE! |
[25 Mar 2005|04:08pm] |
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mood |
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 cheerful |
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music |
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placebo |
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MIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIICHELE! I HOPE U GOT MY MESSAGE! I CAN GO I CAN GO! BUT ME TICKETS! PLEEEEEZE! I R HOPING IT'S NOT 2 LATE.
hello. my name is big fat fucking baby. cry me a river ass wipe. haha, so bizarre. entertainment time 20 billion.
I HATE CELL PHONES RIGHT NOW! all of them are causing me problems and interrupting my fun. the fuckers. ;-) o well, fun is fun while its lating and fun in the fun way with the fun and the fun fun funnyness.
fuck that. i confused myself. :-)
tiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiired. but it's ok.
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